strange strange strange how i have a flashback to waking up on chilly mornings in esk when i was maybe oh maybe five or six and hours later my mother texts to says she’s passing through esk and none of us really have a reason to go there now so we all just pass through, pass through. and i remembered lying on my back on the floor in the silence watching the lace curtains move ever so slightly in the ever so slight breeze and whispering stories to myself while the others slept. but here i crept downstairs to the kitchen and boiled the kettle and danced a treble jig in my socks. it’s colder. i’m colder. and i know how it goes because it goes like this every year and i feel it happening again and i don’t know how to stop or if i want to stop and i struggle with steady-state systems when everything seems balanced on a knife-edge or plummeting or like a train (inevitable, inexorable). so today i pulled a jumper over my shirt over my tights and checked the temperature. three degrees at the airport so i turned the heater on for the first time this year - there’s a smell, have you noticed? hot air has a smell - and i was seventeen again sleeping in motel rooms in the middle of winter with that bad wood paneling from the seventies lining every surface. clench a fist; my hands are my father’s, my skin is my mother’s. who am i who am i who am i these are not my hands. there’s an icy ache deep inside. i wonder what i’m doing here. the kettle boils but i’m still cold.
andy’s usual nickname for me is ‘vitamin k’ but in a text he just sent he called me ‘k sera sera’ and i think that’s my favourite one yet
really quick WOD today because it was an open gym so i went in, did the thing, and then left because i have so much reading to do today.
it was ‘helen’:
3 rounds for time of:
- 400m run
- 21 kettlebell swings
- 12 pull ups
i did it in 16:28 which felt kind of slow but i was taking it easy with the pull ups. i really need to learn kipping! i can only do assisted strict pull ups but i’m getting better. today felt good. and having room for improvement is a good thing. i’m pleased.
took me a frickin’ long time to talk myself into going inside, but there were friendly people there (of course) and the box in phillip is fantastic.